Medicine. The automobile. Sliced bread. These are inventions that have helped mankind for the better. These are not terrible inventions.

The wine glass lanyard is a terrible invention. Made for people who love booze but hate carrying it, this lanyard ensures that gentlemen in polo shirts the world over can keep there hands free for increased alcohol consumption.

How do you properly torture a stupid child? With the amazing motorized ice cream cone. The clever ice cream-like presention of the device is sure to lure children in while the inexplicable rotation of the desired sweet and its taste similar to Chinese plastic will leave them baffled for hours.

Paper E-Mail, otherwise known as “Mail,” is the sort of stupid joke that gets the folks in research and development fired for making up things that already existed. Paper e-mail is the sort of thing a secretary would find funny, but it should also be noted that the average secretary lacks both a heart and a sense of humor. Please don’t let their laughter be a guide through your journey in the wild, wild world of paper purchases.

For more awful inventions, check out theCHIVE’s Worst Inventions Ever.